That same day I drove home like hundreds of times and it wasn’t until I was off the interstate when I realized I had no recollection of the drive. I was very distracted and had overwhelming feeling that I was looking for something. In a desperate search, becoming more anxious, I pulled into the shopping center. A Heaven and Earth store was spotted, a sign of relief came over me, yes, in this store I will surely find a book or something specific to what I was going through, I will find “it”. Maybe a book of inspiration that will tell me everything was going to be ok and his disorder will be instantly healed. It will be book that will give me instructions’ on what to do. I searched the isle scanning up and down, left to right, not missing a single item on the shelves, walls, or floors. I came across all sorts books- parenting, The Left Behind Series, Power of a Praying Wife, further down stories of hope dealing with cancer, marriage counseling; overcoming abuse, addictions, over eating, anorexia, depression, the loss of a loved one-parent, pet and so on. I searched just looking, still not truly knowing what I was looking for….came across jewelry, rosary beads, and crosses. Then picture frames, painting and sculptures, picture of Jesus playing with the children, turning to the next aisle, t-shirts with Bible verses such as John 3:16 below on the bookshelf, veggie tales, bible man action figures, Noah Arc, half an isle down gifts for ministers and wedding invitations, something for everyone…..for every situation, but mine. I felt out of place, embarrassed almost; since I thought for sure, even over confident that I would find it. Although I didn’t know what “it” was? was afraid and scared, I felt the emotions that I was pushing down deep inside me wanting to burst, I saw two women happily browsing giggle and chatting while reading cards. I wanted to scream at them...how can you be happy? My son is losing his….I gulped pushing the feeling and words in my head down further into my soul. The physical pressure on my chest as if a huge hand was pressing on my breast bone and rib cage, churning, twisting, and squeezing my heart. It was beyond anything I had ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe, suffocating. I fought back the tears. I held it in pushed it down deep in my soul. I had to get out. Finally, I was back in the van, my hands trembling. Thinking I just have to get home, tunneling my thoughts “just have to get home, just have to get home.” Finally, I’m in the neighborhood pulling around the corner…thinking I made it. Then I saw my house.oh no…the reality of having to go in and be the strong mom surfaced. How can I go inside and say, "Hi how was your day?” Prepare dinner as if all was ok when I knew nothing would ever be ok, be the way it was suppose to be, the way I planned and envisioned the future. How can I go in and be confident pretending it was just an ordinary day when I was at the verge of having an emotional explosion. Over and over, I tried to change my thought pattern and get myself together, rationalize things. Ok, I’m the mom, it’s not about me, my composure starting to emerge, it’s about him, and I have to be strong for him. Within in instance I became weak again, I felt my lips start to quiver, I have got to pull myself together, my hands shaking, now my legs, it was more hand just an emotional barrier, I was fighting within and against it. My own body was feeling it to; I was trying to hold back a freight train of tears. Why, why….I said aloud. This isn’t supposed to happen…give me the burden. Not him, what did he do? I know God; I know I have done so many things wrong….now I thought my son was being punished for all of the mistakes I've done... I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please give it to me, not my son! I pleaded…Why, why, he’s my baby, I banged on the steering wheel...why...please God no, not him, not my son. Sobbing and gasping for air, crying so hard I was moaning, my eyes swollen shut and tears still streaming down my face, my nose so clogged and congested, my head pounding, I started to feel like I was going to throw up, I was getting light head…again, why, not my son..Suddenly, as I was shouting it louder...a strange feeling came over me… I was able to take a deep breath ….children of God...I am a child of God...My son is a child of God...we are all children of God. I felt a sense of calmness, at that moment, I realized that I had always believed that I trusted in God 100 percent but the truth was I hadn’t trusted him fully, I thought I had but realizing it was with conditional things and the things that I could control. This hurt was more than I could bear I was powerless to this; never ever did I feel so powerless, I said to God, “I get it, I get it". He belongs to you; you are God our father with that surrendered “my son” to him. I felt my hands loosen up from once was a tight clutch fist to the back of my hands resting on the wheel. My palms up as if I had something in them lifting it up for God to take. Ok God, I have to trust you, I will trust you, and I do trust you. I give you my faith and accept your will. I know I can do this with you lord. I asked for his help and to guide me. Another big breath, this one of relief, I had wanted to deal and take care of it all on my own. I felt it was my responsibly and provide for his every need. Another big breath, the tug a war was over. I now knew I had to move forward and live each day with all of the blessing I have been given. The pity I felt for myself and for him was gone…I knew at that moment. This disorder is above and beyond what comprehension that I have. God has a plan…I had to just live life faithfully and realize the “why” is not of importance and may never be answered. I wiped my face and took another deep breath, got out of the van with a new sense of contentment and peace. Everything is going to be ok I said to myself...it’s going to be ok, no matter what happens, it’s going to be ok.
Music/Video "Can anyone hear her" by Casting Crowns"
Amazing Grace-Chains are Broken by Chris Tomlin
